


Love, Phil.

by Numberonephanboy



Series: Love Letters [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Death, M/M, Phil's POV, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-12
Updated: 2018-09-12
Packaged: 2019-07-11 14:24:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15974162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Numberonephanboy/pseuds/Numberonephanboy
Summary: I wrote this mainly for myself. Breakups are hard and emotional and this is the most personal thing I've written. I hope you enjoyed it.





	Love, Phil.

Since you have left I've become another person. A shell of the human being I once was. 

I stand in front of the mirror, brushing my teeth. It's a mundane task and yet I can hardly bring myself to do it. Mornings and nights I've spent at this sink with you by my side, matching minty smiles as we make eye contact through our reflections. That's over now.

I don't even really know why I'm brushing my teeth. I guess just one last simple task. 

It's hard to recognize myself. My eyes have lost all light, a dark grey in comparison to the shining blue they once were, framed by dark circles caused by endless nights of unrest. There's stubble on my face, I look unkept and rugged. My hair has grown long, no longer styled, but flat across my forehead and sticking in all directions. I remember when I first got it cut this way you styled for me, only to mess it up hours later as we made love in our bed.

Our bed. 

Nothing here is ours now. You left it all behind. It's doesn't feel like mine though. It feels like ours and the life that we've built. The life that suffocated you, you said. The life that you no longer wanted to apart of, you said. And so here I am, brushing my teeth at the sink that used to be ours. 

I spit before rising out my mouth. 

Most nights I come home drunk. Left over drops of rum and whiskey on my tongue. Some nights I don't even come home. I can't stand to see your coat on the rack. Your shoes by the door. I can't stand to see them and all the other things you left here, but I can't seem to pack them away. Its been months now, but that doesn't matter. 

I wish i knew what went wrong. What I could have done differently to make you stay? Could I have done anything to make you stay? 

I thought we were happy. We were finally going to take that final step and going to get the house and yet, here we are. 

I head for the door, past your shoes and your coat, to grab my own. I slip them on slowly, mechanically and walk out the door. 

My past is full of memories of you. Your favorite show, your favorite mug, the way you like your coffee, your favorite deodorant, the way you like to sit in your boxers day after day because what's the point in getting dressed. It's filled with you and you messy curls and your sweet smile. We've grown together, our live are intertwined and I thought that meant forever, but you had other plans.

I take a cab all the way into the heart of the city. I need to get away, I need a break. I need... You. 

I pay the driver, not accepting the change back. I didn't really care, he could keep the extra twenty. I check onto my hotel room, riding the elevator all the way up.

Its been months and I'm still missing you though I've long stopped calling. I left message after message, but you never returned one call. I called your mum, I called your nan, hell I even called Adrian, but no one would tell me where you were. 

We used to do this all the time. We'd get a place for the night. A mini get away. Or on nights out, we'd go some where nice to eat, you were always so flirty, your cheeks rosy from the wine. We'd check into a hotel and all it too was for the door to be closed and we were all over each other. I miss that, I miss you. 

I remember our first time. In my room at my parents place. I remember the soft touches and quiet whimpers of more and please. I was so nervous, a beautiful boy like you and all you had wanted was me. I was afraid I wouldn't be any good, but it was perfect. You said I love you and I felt so much relief because I loved you too. I still do. 

Without you I feel like I'm in a constant state of grief. Its so hard for me to put this into words because the more I try to explain the more I feel it making less and less sense.  
I'm at the top now. It's dark out, the night air chilly. I can see the lights of London brightening up the streets. Hear the honking of the cars bellow.

You know what? It does makes sense. The beautiful things never stay. They are fleeting and they touch your souls, the perfect little things. Like mornings and coffee and popcorn. I should have known from the beginning, but I let myself get swept in it, into the glorious being that is Dan Howell. 

Tears prick my eyes and my vision becomes blurry.

It's not the first time. That first week I cried enough to drown myself and half of London. I couldn't eat or sleep for two weeks. My mum was worried, but I shooed her away. I pushed everyone away in those weeks. Nothing could make it go away. Nothing could make it better. All I wanted was for you to come back to me. 

For months I've had this feeling. This feeling where I want to tear yourself apart and I've sobbed so much to the point of throwing up. And I'm stuck. Stuck living in the past and I know that there's nothing I can do about it. It's grief, but no one died, except maybe a part of me. And I still cry, it's going to hurt for weeks, and I can hardly move for the shaking of my hands and tears in my eyes, but it's the only way. The only way to tell someone how I feel, because I've lost the one thing that put light into my world. I have lost you. 

I pull out my phone, dialing your number one last time. 

"Dan..." My voice is rough and strained, my throat sore. "I just.. I have to tell you goodbye one last time. I have to tell you that I have loved you like I've never loved before. And I can't-" I get choked up on the words.

"I can't live without you. I can't do this anymore. I can't live a life without you in it. I don't know if you listen to these or if you even care still, but by the time you get this it'll be too late. I'm standing on the ledge of our favorite hotel. I hope you know I love you, god Dan I love you." 

He silent for a moment. 

"Goodbye love." 

 

He steps off the ledge.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this mainly for myself. Breakups are hard and emotional and this is the most personal thing I've written. I hope you enjoyed it.


End file.
